Being Emma Watson: A Choose Your Own Adventure!

I saw “Noah” the other day, not to be entertained by the big budget spectacle, but to answer a question that has eluded me for my entire young adult life.

What does it take to deviate from social norms and fully allow yourself to live by faith?

What would happen if the polar ice caps really melted? Would I just have to find a boat? Would my extended family be cool with me hopping on theirs?

What will become of Emma Watson?

Unfortunately, “Noah” did not fully answer this question. She was fine. She cried a lot, and convincingly, but we already knew she could do that. As a predictor of careers arcs, this puts me in a difficult yet exciting position. There is no way to determine with any certainty how Emma’s life will unfold from this point forward, which means that the potential career paths and opportunities are endless. That’s where you come in.

For those who don’t know how Choose Your Own Adventure! works, the rules are simple:

• Everyone starts with scenario #1, which you will read with the comprehension skills typical of a graduate of Brown University.
• At the end of the scenario, you will be given a choice between which path you will take. You may only choose one.
• THIS IS WEAR IT GETS TRICKY: Each choice will give you a direction to take, such as “go to scenario #54”. You must follow this direction carefully and go directly to Scenario #54. Failure to do so is at best cheating, and at worst can get you stuck in a chaotic loop of Emma’s life from which you may never break free. I would like some site traffic, but not like that.
• Once you’ve jumped directly to the next scenario, you repeat all the steps as you make your way through the adventure.
• Your adventure ends when you land on a scenario without a directive at the end.

Keep in mind that this isn’t a bunch of unfounded “what if?” scenarios, a tremendous amount of research was conducted to foresee these paths. For the sake of completeness, I’ve chosen to ignore the filming of her upcoming film “Regression” in these scenarios, as I would hate to speculate how the movie turns out (“But this whole concept is speculation!” you may say. Fuck off) The entire purpose of this post is to allow everyone one fleeting opportunity to make decisions as if you were a celebrity of the talent and caliber of Emma Watson. Be true to yourself and trust you instincts. Where will YOU take Emma Watson?

Adventure Time

1. After “Noah” rakes in $300 million worldwide, executives consider you to be a proven box office draw, which is why Fox wants to put you in a YA post-apocalyptic movie of some kind. Unfortunately, there aren’t many YA book franchises featuring strong female leads left, so they decide to just make one up. Are you in? If yes, go to 2. If no, go to 3.
2. To nobodies surprise, plenty of young adults rush to see “The Electorate” on its opening weekend due to it being quoted as “one of my favorite books” by many young girls, despite it not actually being a book and sounding a lot like a John Grisham novel. However, ticket sales quickly plummet after the opening weekend as word spreads that it didn’t stay true to the source material. People also complain that you don’t really have the physique to knock out as many push-ups as you did, which is a fair point. Go to 4.
3. You receive a call from Spike Jonze. How he got your number, you’ll never know, but he has an interesting opportunity for you. Aggravated by critics claiming that “Her” was nothing more than a misogynist fantasy, he has written a film to prove them all wrong, and offers you the starring role. Everything is set, all he asks is that you don’t tell Sofia Coppola about the film. What do you do? If you accept, go to 33; if you decline, go to 28.
4. Production beings on a “The Electorate” sequel, which you are contractually bound to appear in. Things get really low for you, as critics tore you apart the first time around, and the whole concept of a movie franchise based off of a fake book series starts to seem really stupid. Just as you hit rock bottom emotionally, your director realizes that because there’s no book to stay true to, they can just kill you off and have Shailene Woodley pick up the franchise. You die heroically in the opening scene, and are released from your contract. Go to 5.
5. Still feeling down about the failure of your last franchise, your agent tells you that you’ve got a call from Michael Bay who has three words for you: Captain. Planet. Movie. Featuring you, Emma Watson, following in the tradition of superhero love interests a la Natalie Portman in “Thor”, Kristen Dunst in “Spiderman 3” and Jennifer Connelly in “Hulk”. There is a lot of money involved. What is your answer? If it’s, “Whatever. Girls gotta eat,” go to 19. If it’s, “No. That doesn’t even make sense, especially considering how Captain Plant is summoned by five teenagers who were given powers from the Earth Goddess Gaia, so it’s not like I can live with him or anything. That would be a lot like if The Genie had a human love interest in “Aladdin.” I’m sorry, but I would rather starve,” then go to 6.
6. After rejecting a role in “Captain Planet”, offers become less and less frequent. Word spreads that you can be a bit of a diva on set, and very few directors want to work with you. “Maybe I should have been a little nicer about not wanting to be in ‘Captain Planet’,” you think as you check soup sales at Wall-Mart. You begin to starve. Go to 7
7. You’re checking out at Costco when your phone starts to ring. It’s J.J Abrams, and he wants you to be in the new “Star Wars”. If you decide to take the part, go to 9. If you think “Star Wars” is stupid and like being unemployed, go to 8.
8. It’s J.J Abrams dream to make every geeky fanboy’s head explode in spectacular fashion, and to fulfill this dream he needs you in “Star Wars.” You get kidnapped and taken to the set, where you agree to appear in the film. Go to 9
9. Believe it or not, but “Star Wars: Episode VIII” is a box office hit. Your combination of agility and British accent make you the perfect female Jedi, and your fame grows to dizzying heights. You agree to continue the franchise for a couple of movies, and you never step foot in a Wall Mart produce section ever again. Go to 10.
10. Two sequels later, you decide that the depths of your character have been sufficiently explored and decide to move on. You have all of the money that you’ll ever need, and you’re seriously contemplating taking a break and moving to Italy when David O. Russell gives you a call. If you accept David O. Russell’s offer to star in a movie with Jennifer Lawrence, go to 14. If you decide to take a break and move to Italy, go to 11.
11. Italy seemed like a great place to relax, but while you vacation on the coast you meet a group of affluent vacationers from Dubai. One of them, a guy in his early 20’s, takes an immediate fascination with you. It turns out that he’s a huge “Star Wars” fan, has always wanted to marry a Jedi, and is the prince of Dubai. He takes you on a joy-ride in his helicopter and proposes to you on the beach, “The Bachelor” style. If you want to become the princess of Dubai, go to 12; if you’re just not all that into him, go to 13.
12. You are married and crowned in a royal ceremony, becoming Princess Emma Watson of Dubai. Although the concept of royal families seems silly and outdated, you become famous the world over as the girl who grew up to become both a princess and a Jedi, which is pretty sweet.
13. You shock the world by choosing independence over royalty in a country swimming in oil money. It takes some time for all of the press to die down as people second guess your decision, but in the midst of controversy, an opportunity emerges. Chanel is all about the idea of an independent woman and subversion or whatever, and there’s nothing that shows feminine independence and subversion of principles like rejecting an offer to become a princess (some would argue that joining a feminist punk movement like Pussy Riot would actually be much more subversive, but you don’t want to move to Russia, do you?) You become the face of Chanel, fulfilling your dream of being both a movie star and fashion icon while remaining a prominent voice in the movement towards gender equality.
14. The film is complete. All the hottest tabloids and gossip sites talk about how you and Jennifer Lawrence are the best of friends as the two of you pose for magazine covers, trade jokes at press conferences, and keep your interviews light. But this is really just for show. You hate Jennifer Lawrence with a fiery passion. You think she just acts goofy for attention. She thinks you play up your accent to appear smarter. She kept stepping on your lines, and NOBODY steps on Emma Watson’s lines. Go to 15.
15. You arrive home, furious, after a long day of hearing Jennifer Lawrence tell fart jokes to the press. You can’t take this anymore, so you do what any self-respecting witch would do; you make Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in the Harry Potter universe. Go to 16.
16. Your nerves race as the films premier arrives, but you’re not worried about the audiences reaction, but about your plans to sabotage Jennifer Lawrence’s life. As you arrive, you notice several of the biggest names in Hollywood are present, including one Michael Bay. At the premier after party, you spring into action. You convince Michael Bay that Jennifer Lawrence is really into him, and that he should buy her a drink. Bay, drunk and confounded by the film he just saw, doesn’t notice as you slip the love potion into Lawrence’s drink. Although Lawrence is slightly disturbed that a man 25 years her senior would try to hit on her, she accepts the drink. At this point you have two options; have an attack of conscience and spill her drink (17), or giggle madly as you watch Jennifer Lawrence fall in love with Michael Bay (18).
17. By spilling the drink, you have assured that your rivalry with Jennifer Lawrence lives on. You win some roles, she steals some from you, but the two of you are considered equals for the rest of your career. Sometimes you look back on the night of the premier and wonder what might have been, but regardless of the outcome, you’re comfortable with knowing that you did the right thing.
18. After drinking the love potion, Jennifer Lawrence falls deeply, hopelessly in love with Michael Bay. She wants to be in his passion project, “TMNT 2: Return of the Shred” which opens the door for you to take over as the brightest young actress in Hollywood, a title you hold for many years. As you stockpile awards and accept literally any role your heart desires, you sometimes look back on that fateful premier night, and wonder, if only for a second, if you did the right thing. Then you compare your IMDb page with Jennifer Lawrence’s and start laughing like a maniac. You are VERY happy with how things turned out, but are you satisfied?
19. You are in the worst movie of all time. In said film, it is implied that you have sex with Gerald Butler in blue make-up (as this guy), which is really about as low as it gets. All of the internet fanboys have turned against you. Michael Bay deflects all of the blame to you as Gerald Butler changes his name back to Gerry and returns to short films. You have nowhere else to turn now, it’s time to go back to school. (20)
20. You decide to return to Brown and earn your masters, but you fall so in love with the calm of Rhode Island that you stay there for many years. You use all of your remaining “Captain Planet” money to open up a little bookstore where you refuse to stock a single copy of “Harry Potter” or of the recently written “The Electorate” series. Things are starting to look up for you; you have a wonderful little business, an apartment all to yourself, and nobody in town cares about your past life as a movie star. There’s only one thing missing in your life: Love. (21)
21. One morning, as you walk to your bookstore, you have a sudden craving for a danish when you notice a bakery only a block away from where you work. Go to 24 if you get a pastry. Go to 22 if you ignore your cravings and continue living your life.
22. You get to your bookstore, but you still really, really want a danish. You can either go to the bakery (24) or continue to ignore what fate is trying to offer you (23).
23. You ignored your craving, and your life stays the same until you die, alone, surrounded by smelly cats in Pawtucket. Congrats. (You were on 22 if you want to try that again)
24. The smell of cream and fresh bread wafts over you as you enter the bakery. You peer through the glass display case at the counter and marvel at all of the delicious options, unsure of which to choose, when the shop boy walks up to help you. Suddenly, you know what you want. You tell the shop-boy, Dave is his name, that you would like a danish, or at least you think that’s what you said. From the other end of the counter, some punk kid asks whether you’d prefer an English, so Dave tells him to knock it off as he hands you a danish. Y’all start talking, and it turns out Dave actually owns the bakery, which has seen better days. Love quickly ferments. Everything feels very similar to the plot of “Notting Hill.” Go to 25.
25. Turns out that punk kid is related to the Farrelly Brothers, and word of your location spreads throughout Hollywood as producers start remembering who you are. A slew of Hollywood agents descend on Pawtucket in an attempt to get you back into the film industry, but at this point you have fallen hard for Dave and decline all offers. As you focus on being with Dave as his bakery struggles to get by, Quentin Tarantino offers you a major role in his film about a group of ‘downstairs people’ who get revenge on all of the ‘upstairs people’. It sounds amazing. What wins, your love for Dave (26) or your career (27)?
26. Hollywood gives up on trying to sway you away from your life in Pawtucket and leaves you alone. You marry Dave, and decide to combine his bakery with your bookstore in a quaint metaphor that ties everything together nicely. You live out the rest of your life happy and separate from the glamour of Hollywood, with the exception of your book “Pawtucket”, which was made into a movie directed by Richard Curtis.
27. The bright lights of Hollywood pull you back in as you leave Dave and his bankrupt bakery behind. “The Downstairs Deviants” is obviously a huge hit, and reignites your career. You continue working in the film industry for the rest of your life, becoming one of the great ‘rise and fall and rise again’ stories in cinema history. You have all of the money and stature you’ll even need, but are you happy? Yeah, mostly. But you’ll never find another danish as good as Dave’s.
28. Despite your objections, word leaks that you declined the starring role in Spike Jonze’s newest film. Internet fanboys are disgusted by your choice, and you alienate a large portion of your audience. Stressed and unsure of what to do, you go to Paris to decompress and focus on fashion. One morning you go to a cafe, where you run into…(go to 29)
29. Sofia Coppola. She has heard the rumors about you and Spike, and is so impressed by your loyalty that she makes you an Honorary Coppola. Shocked to receive this honor, your cries of gratitude are quickly silenced by Sofia. She has an offer for you. After hearing of Spike’s plans, she has been furiously writing her own magna opus, starring you, Emma Watson, that she expects will finally win her the Best Picture Oscar needed to restore the Coppola name to it’s past glory. Shooting will begin shortly, so you must choose quickly; do you accept the role (go to 31), or let the part go to Shailene Woodley as you concentrate on fashion (go to 30)
30. You forgot how Coppola’s make offers, and wake up the next morning in bed with Nicholas Cage. You don’t remember anything, but if you don’t want news of this getting out, you would be wise to accept the role Sofia offered you. Go to 31.
31. The film cleans up at the Academy Awards, winning both Best Picture and Best Actress along with several other categories. Finally, Sofia has restored the Coppola name to it’s past glory, but this is only the beginning for you. Go to 32
32. Your status as an honorary Coppola serves you well, as Jason Schwartzman (Sofia’s cousin) gets you a supporting role in Wes Anderson’s newest film. You become a consistent supporting character in all of Wes Anderson’s films, especially as he embraces his destiny and begins making film adaptations of every Roald Dahl book in existence. Meanwhile, you star in Paul Thomas Anderson’s newest film, winning him a long overdue Academy Award for Best Director and Best Picture. You take up smoking and adopt a DGAF attitude that people seem to love. At last, you transcend the title of movie star and become an artist, the greatest of your generation, the Godfather of acting.
33. You accept the role, and the buzz for an Emma Watson/Spike Jonze collaboration quickly sets the internet ablaze. Early reviews heap praise on the film, calling your acting a “revelation” and the story “anti-misogynist”, which only increases awards buzz. Soon it’s time for the Golden Globes, and you’ve been nominated for Best Actress. (Go to 34)
34. The Golden Globes begin as you share a table with Spike and the gang. Unfortunately, Sofia Coppola’s table is positioned nearby. You make eye contact. Do you: Walk over and say hi (go to 35); Pretend to look at your phone (go to 37)
35. You walk over to say hi, but Sofia just sits there looking at her phone. You are dead to her, as the Coppola’s say, and you make a decision to never go fishing again. Go to 36.
36. The Golden Globes come to an end and you have won for Best Actress. People congratulate you as they pass by, but through the crowd you see your hero, Judi Dench, across the room. You desperately want to meet her, but standing between you and her is Jared Leto, who’s having a good time letting everyone know what it’s like to wax your body for a role (“you get used to the smoothness”). You take a chance that Leto won’t notice as you pass by and meet your idol. Go to (38)
37. The Golden Globes come to an end and you have won for Best Actress. People congratulate you as they pass by, but through the crowd you see your hero, Judi Dench, across the room. You desperately want to meet her, but standing between you and her is Jared Leto, who’s having a good time letting everyone know what it’s like to wax your body for yet another role (“you get used to the smoothness”). You take a chance that Leto won’t notice as you pass by and meet your idol. Go to 45.
38. As you pass, Leto congratulates you on “joining the club.” You stop and say thanks, but that was the wrong move. The night ends without you ever meeting Judi Dench, but you do have a heightened knowledge of 30 Seconds to Mars. Go to 39.
39. You arrive back at your apartment, excited to have won your first Golden Globe, but upset that you didn’t get to meet Judi Dench. As you attempt to relax by watching TV, you feel this weird pull to listen to some music. But not any old music, the musical creations of Jared Leto and his band, you know, 30 Seconds to Mars. You listen to “The Kill” on repeat. All night. When you wake up the next morning, you are in love with Jared Leto. Go to 40.
40. Too shy to approach Jared Leto by yourself, you plead with Darren Aronofsky to make another film, this time starring you and Jared Leto as two people who are addicted to drugs or are obsessive about something; it doesn’t really matter. Aronofsky begins work on a screenplay and presents the idea to Jared Leto, who really connects with the emptiness of the lead character. “This is just like the songs I write for my band, 30 Seconds to Mars, but in movie form. I’ll do it,” he says as your heart lights up. Go to 41.
41. Production ends as you and Jared Leto emerge as Hollywood’s newest “it” couple. Around the world, millions of people who care about this stuff collectively slap themselves on the forehead and say “Really? Hopefully the movie’s good.” It’s just alright, depending on your tolerance for melodrama. Go to 42.
42. As the months float by, your attitude begins to worsen (not towards Jared Leto, y’all are still going strong. Just your overall demeanor). Finally, you decide to do something about it. You’re can either a) Join an emo-White Stripes-type band with Jared (you’ll play percussion and sing occasionally) [43] or b) Start protesting things [44]
43. You spend the next several years performing as half of the famed emo-pop group Midnight Eyre. Naturally, you came up with the English Literature reference. The band goes on to have great success, despite critiques of your “inability to play drums in the slightest.” You find true, lasting happiness connecting with angsty teenagers on an emotional level that their parents just wouldn’t understand. And yet more importantly, you give Jared Leto the greatest gift of all…being cool.
44. You’ve spent all day protesting Sudan and avoiding practical jokes set by none other than George Clooney. But once things wrap up, you realize that you want to do more, something without hours, sign up sheets, or picket signs. You race home and tell Jared Leto that you want to join the Russian feminist punk-protest group Pussy Riot. Jared’s siced to move to Russia with you, as he realizes that there is nothing cooler or more real than being the first male member of Pussy Riot. After several background checks, you are given your honorary balaclava and admitted into Pussy Riot. Jared isn’t a member, they say, but he can tag along if he likes. Your first protest takes place outside a church in Moscow, and you immediately begin protesting the rule of Vladimir Putin and abortion rights in a very punk rock way. Unfortunately, you’re almost immediately beaten and pepper sprayed in a display of police brutality that quickly goes viral. You spend the next several years locked in prison, but don’t regret your decision for a second. In fact, neither does Jared Leto; it’s the coolest thing he’s ever done.
45. As you pass, Leto tries to congratulate you on “joining the club.” You tell him to fuck off without breaking stride as you walk over to Judi. No formal introductions are needed, as Judi Dench is impressed by your talent and English roots, and wants to work with you. She tells you that she’s been looking for a young actress to pair up with in a British remake of “August: Osage County” called “August: Northamptonshire County”. If you gleefully accept, go to 46, if you decline, go to 57.
46. You’re so excited by the movie offer that you begin to spaz out a little bit. Judi smiles, tells you that she’ll keep in touch, and exits into the night. Go to 47.
47. Four months later, Judi still hasn’t called, and you start wondering if things might not work out. Go to 48.
48. Four months after that, you start getting kind of depressed. You were really hoping that Judi would have called by now. “Maybe she’s just busy” you say to yourself. “Being a Dame is probably hard work.” Go to 49.
49. You’re at the Golden Globes again, and you see Judi Dench at the bar, laughing it up with Sean Connery or someone, you can’t really tell. Do you a)Let it go and accept Judi’s rudeness (51) or b) Let her know how it is (50)
50. Dame Judi Dench lets you know what’s up, and you spend the next hour trying to regain your composure in a lonely bathroom stall. Finally you reemerge, ready to enjoy what’s left of the night and fully aware of who’s the real Queen Bee of British Actresses Who Have Had Cross-Over Success in America. Go to 51.
51. You try to enjoy yourself when you hear a voice behind you say, “Judi’s kind of a bitch, huh?” You turn quickly to see Emma Thompson standing right behind you, really really drunk. It turns out that you both have a lot in common (being British, you’re first names, other stuff) and you bond over talking shit about Judi Dench. Before leaving, Emma Thompson tells you that she knows of some dynamite roles that you’d be perfect for, and assures you that she’ll be in touch. You prepare to have your heart broken again. Go to 52.
52. Emma Thompson calls you that weekend about a role in a period piece about people who live upstairs and downstairs. Alan Rickman is in it. You’ve been so busy waiting for Judi Dench to call that you haven’t been in a movie for over a year, so you accept. Go to 53.
53. The movie is a moderate hit as critics call it “authentic” and “a lot like that TV show, ‘Downton Abbey’, but with a bigger budget.” Mothers everywhere adore it, and for the first time ever, stupid internet nerds and their mothers have a girl they can all agree on. You like where you’re at professionally and emotionally, and decide to stick to period pieces/above average romantic comedies for a while. Go to 54.
54. Disney calls. They think it’s about time to revisit the topic of singing English nannies. You are English, which makes you a natural fit. Do you want to be Mary Poppins? Yes (go to 56); No (go to 55)
55. Yes, you do. Go to 56.
56. Whoops, turns out a ton of people are still furiously attached to the idea of Julie Andrews being the one true Mary Poppins. Everyone hates the idea of this film at first, but strangely enough, the film gains momentum as it’s released. People love you as Mary Poppins, and critics agree that it may even have surpassed the original. You are named Woman of the Year by Time Magazine, and become one of the most beloved actresses of your generation. After your knighting ceremony, you, The Dame Emma Watson, flips The Dame Judi Dench the bird, and the transformation is complete. There’s a new ‘Queen Bee of British Actresses Who Have Had Cross-Over Success in America’ in town, and bitches better recognize.
57. Congratulations, the movie offer was just a test to see if you’re a moron who would be in a crappy movie just to work with Judi Dench. Judi has now decided that you’re cool enough to roll in her posse, but she’s deemed the Golden Globes unworthy of her presence, so you leave with her. Go to 58.
58. You arrive at a secluded, dreary looking nook in a corner of London you have never been. A sign reading “KNIGHTS AND DAMES ONLY” hangs on the front door, but you are allowed in as part of Judi’s crew. Inside is the most chill looking lounge/nightclub hybrid that you have ever seen. Pippa Middleton is getting hit on by Paul McCartney in the corner, and although she doesn’t leave with him, they do make out a little bit. You and Judi sit together on the plushiest couch you’ve ever sat on when she nudges you gently as her bodyguard, Rocco, hands her a plastic baggie. She winks at you and asks “Want a bump?” How do you respond? “Naw Judi, I’m good.” (go to 59) “Fuck yeah, I thought you’d never ask.” (go to 63)
59. Judi passive-aggressively suggests that you get the hell out of her lounge area. After being kicked out of the premises, you begin to aimlessly walk the streets of London when you see a shadowy figure in a side alleyway. Curious, you walk into the alley to find Julie Andrews, who has been waiting on you for some time. She explains that she’s tired of Judi Dench trying to be the boss of everyone, and she wants you to infiltrate her inner circle while making her life as miserable as possible. You know, kinda like “Mean Girls”. You love “Mean Girls” (who doesn’t?) and agree to help Julie Andrews out, but first you need to find a way back into the club. Go to 60.
60. Thankfully, you had the presence of mind to get Judi’s number before getting kicked out, so you send her a text reading, “Hey, sorry about the coke thing. It’s just that I’ve built up such a tolerance to it cuz I’ve moved on 2 the harder stuff. Hope 2 c u soon!” Of course, Judi texts back “Liar”, so Julie Andrews uses her connections to the London drug trade to get some PCP. You send her a selfie of you smoking PCP with the caption “Just dusting”. Judi realizes that she may have misjudged you, and you’re invited back into her inner circle. (Go to 61)
61. You’re in her inner circle, and you start to prank her for a while. You cut a hole in her favorite hat, help TMZ catch her with Roger Moore, switch her cocaine with heroin and tons of other funny stuff. But eventually, Julie Andrews notices a change in you. You’re no longer pretending to be a Dame, you’ve become one! You make an off-handed remark about Julie Andrews being a Dame as well, but that’s besides the point, and was a really Damish thing to say. Julie decides that maybe you shouldn’t be friends anymore, and Judi gets hit by a red double-decker bus just days before the royal ball. How will this resolve itself?! (Go to 62)
62. You arrive late to the ball dressed in promotional gear for your newest movie (an Indiana Jones sequel) just as the Queen is letting everyone touch her new tiara. The tiara is finally passed to you, and you know what you must do to make everything right. You climb onstage, high on PCP (you partially blame Julie Andrews for getting you addicted in the first place, but whatever, you feel great now) and make a short speech about girls getting along and the sociological message England sends by defining rule through lineage. To cap off your speech, you decide to break the tiara and throw it out to everyone in the audience, which is tougher than expected, as it’s actually made of silver. You get arrested, but all the Dames get together to bail you out for teaching them valuable lessons about friendship. Life’s pretty normal again in Dame world, and it’s all thanks to you, The Dame Emma Watson.
63. You and Judi get wild. Go to 64.
64. Years pass. You have appeared in movies sporadically, choosing instead to participate in Shakespearean theater productions with Judi during the day, and setting England ablaze by night. At this point, you’re close and personal friends with the entire royal family. You’ve turned down Keith Richards multiple times. But you also have a raging coke habit. You meet Steven Spielberg (also a knight) in an underground crypt-turned-hangout spot, and he thinks it’s time you get back to making movies. If you accept, go to 65; if you start freaking out as you realize that this used to be a torture dungeon and you’re really, really high, go to 68.
65. You partake in yet another brilliant piece of Oscar bait from the director of “Jaws”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “War Horse”. Although the film, where you played a young Betsy Ross, was tied together with a very sweet ending, your life at the time was anything but as you dealt with the pressures of fame, addiction, and Judi’s complaints about how you don’t go out anymore. After the film premieres, you disappear from the public eye in a lame attempt to critique societies perception of fame. Go to 66.
66. After spending a couple of years away from the film industry, you finally return sober with a renewed dedication to your craft. For your first movie, you team up with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, and soon enough adopt their whole gothic-thing to your overall aesthetic. The film provides a much needed boost for the careers of all those involved, as people heap such praise as, “Johnny Depp’s just gorgeous in it. He’s such a good actor,” and “Emma Watson is so gorgeous, but she wore make-up and claw hands to hide it. She’s such a good actress.” You’ve found a formula that works, and you’re sticking to it. Go to 67.
67. You continue to collaborate with Tim Burton and that whole crew, as well as take time to appear in films where you get paid outrageous sums of money. You eventually take up residence in Venice and Prague (depending on the season), where you spend the rest of your life in the highest European luxury refusing to challenge yourself and taking projects based off of half baked ideas in an attempt to see how far being labeled a movie star can carry you. In short, you totally nailed it.
68. The whole Club/Torture Dungeon Experience has been a wake up call as you decide to seek help. After getting your demons under control, you decide to spend some time in Europe, particularly in the fashion world. Your designs grow more and more radical as you focus your creative and addictive energy into pushing mainstream fashion into unknown territories. You make reverse high-low skirts. Hats with holes in them. You push the limits with the same force with which you once pushed Steven Spielberg down a flight of stairs. You still act on occasion in Lars von Trier type films, but you have found your passion in life. Nobody calls you Hermione Granger anymore; you’re Emma Watson, Radical Designer Extraordinaire.